Jokes of the Day

Jokes of the Day

Kid: mom kya aap ne mujhe paida hone se pehle dekha tha?
mom: nahi to
kid: to phir paida hone k baad aap ne mujhe pehchana kaise?

lady: mere lips pe infection hogaya hai
dr: kiss kitni bar karti ho?
lady: sal main ek bar
dr: infection nahi zang lag gaya hai.

ek admi ne saas k pass saanp betha dekha
saanp se bola: meri saas ko dus lo.
saanp: abay kiya dus loon?
main to khud apna zehar easy load karwane aata hoon.


girl in a party to a man: excuse me sir,
kiya aap mere face se ek chez hata sakte hain?
man: khush hote hue haan haan bolo kiya?
girl: manhos aadmi apni nazrain.



Woman: Sir , mein apne ladke ka naam kya rakhoon?
Sir: Iskaa naam Peter rakh do!
Woman: Mera doosra ladkaa bhi hai ,
jo iskaa twin hai. Mein uskaa naam kya rakhoon?
Sir: Uskaa naam Repeater rakh do!

Husband and Wife were fighting.
Husband says: tu sali kutti,
wife replies: tu sala kutta,
their child who was nearby said: "Main sala Puppy"

Neighbour to Bhola: " Raat nu teri khirki khuli si,
I enjoyed full scene u did with bhabhi".
Bhola: "Ban gaya na pagal,
main to raat ghar par tha he nahi".


Bhola his wife filed an application for divorce.
Judge asked: How'll U pied your kids, U have 3 children?
Bhola replied: Ok! We'll apply NEXT YEAR.

Joke

Mother Superior was on her way to late morning prayers, when she
passed two novices just leaving early morning prayers, on their way to
classes. As she passed the young ladies, Mother Superior said, 'Good
morning sisters.'


The novices replied, 'Good morning, Mother Superior, may God be with
you.' But after they had passed, Mother Superior heard one say to the
other, 'I think she got out of the wrong side of the bed this
morning.' This startled Mother Superior, but she chose not to pursue
the issue.

A little further down the hall, Mother Superior passed two of the
Sisters who had been teaching at the convent for several years. She
greeted them with, 'Good morning Sister Martha, Sister Jessica, may
God give you wisdom for our students today.'

'Good morning, Mother Superior. Thank you, and may God be with you.'
But again, after passing, Mother Superior overheard, 'She got out of
the wrong side of bed today.' Baffled, she started to wonder if she
had spoken harshly, or with an irritated look on her face. She vowed
to be more pleasant.

Looking down the hall, Mother Superior saw retired Sister Mary
approaching, step by step, with her walker. Mother Superior had plenty
of time to arrange a pleasant smile on her face, before greeting
Sister Mary. 'Good morning, Sister Mary. I'm so happy to see you up
and about. I pray God watches over you today, and grants you a
wonderful day.'

'Ah, Good morning, Mother Superior and thank you. I see you got up on
the wrong side of the bed this morning.' Mother Superior was floored!
'Sister Mary, what have I done wrong? I have tried to be pleasant, but
three times already today, people have said that about me.'

Sister Mary stopped her walker, and looked Mother Superior in the
face. 'Oh, don't take it personal, Mother Superior. It's just that
you're wearing Father Murphy's slippers.

Thought of Mother

प्यारी माँ
तू कैसी है
क्या मुझको याद करती है
तूने पूछा था कैसा हूँ मै
मै अच्छा हूँ
तेरी ही सोच के जैसा हूँ
यंहा सब सो गए हैं
मै अकेला बैठा हूँ
सोचता हूँ
क्या करती होगी तू
काम करते करते
बालों का जूडा बनाती होगी
या फिर
बिखरे समानो को समेटती होगी
पर माँ
अब समान फैलाता होगा कौन
मै तो यंहा बैठा हूँ मौन
सुनो माँ
तुमने सिखाया था
सच बोलो सदा
आज जो सच बोला
तो क्लास के बाहर खड़ा था
तुमने ने जैसा कहा है
वैसा ही करता हूँ
ख़ुद से पहले
ध्यान दुसरों का रखता हूँ
पर देखो न माँ
सब से पीछे रह गया हूँ
सब कुछ आता है मुझको
फ़िर भी
टीचर की निगाह से गिर गया हूँ
किसी पे हाथ न उठाना
तुम ने कहा था
पर जानती हो माँ
आज
उन्होंने बहुत मारा है मुझे
जवाब मै भी दे सकता था
पर मारना तो
बुरी बात है न माँ
यंहा सभी मुझे
बुजदिल समझते हैं
मै कमजोर नही हूँ
मै तो तेरा बहादुर बेटा हूँ
हूँ न माँ
अब तुम ही कहो
क्या मै
कुछ ग़लत कर रहा हूँ
तेरा कहा ही तो कर रहा हूँ
तू तो
ग़लत हो सकती नही
फिर सब कुछ
क्यों ग़लत हो रहा है
बताओ न माँ
क्या
इनको ये बातें मालूम नही
माँ
एक बार यहां आओ न
जो कुछ मुझे बताया
इन्हे भी समझाओ न
एक बात बताओ
क्या आज भी तू कहेगी
कि तुझे मुझपे गर्व है
माँ बोलो न
क्या मै तेरी सोच के जैसा हूँ
और तेरा राजा बेटा हूं!

Types of Kiss

Types of Kiss

1 - ICE KISS

Celebrate the first day of winter with an ice kiss. Put an ice cube in your mouth until your mouth becomes cold. Remove the cube, track down your love and plant a kiss that will send chills!

- 2 - ELECTRIC SHOCK KISS

The two of you shuffle your feet furiously on carpet. When you both have an electric charge, lean over and slowly aim for each other's lips. With your lips about one-half inch apart, move in even slower until a spark jumps between the two of you. Instantly after this happens, kiss one another...the please us the kiss right after the shock!

- 3 - CAMPING KISS

On a beautiful cool night, you and your love crawl into a sleeping bag outside. Cuddle and kiss.

- 4 - REWARD KISS

Next time your love performs some disliked home chore like cleaning the bathroom, mowing the lawn, or taking out the garbage, show your appreciation by tucking a candy kiss in a strategic location.

- 5 - POST-IT KISS

Use 3M Post-It notes to make a trail through your house that leads to your lips. Put a lipstick print or lip symbol on each note with an arrow pointing to the next note. You, of course, are at the end of the trail with a Post-It note over your lips that says, "LIFT FOR KISS"

- 6 - KISSING IN THE RAIN

The next time it rains, grab an umbrella, rain coats, and your love. Then go outside and kiss in the rain. If the spirit of the kiss moves you, remove the umbrella and kiss 'till the two of you are soaked.

- 7 - HERSHEY`S KISSES

Prepare a small bag of Hershey`s kisses and slip it into your love's purse, briefcase, or lunchbox. Attach a note that reads "SORRY, I CAN'T BE THERE IN PERSON, BUT THINK OF ME AND DO THE FOLLOWING: Close your eyes and place the candy between your lips. Drop the candy in your mouth and roll it on your tongue until it melts.

- 8 - TRACY AND HEPBURN KISS

Make flash cards, and the two of you re-enact the following kissing scene from WOMAN OF THE YEAR

(1942): (Reclining face to face on a couch, woman on top.) SAM: Something I've got to get off my chest.

TESS: I'm too heavy?
SAM: I love you.
TESS: Me, too.
SAM: Positive.
TESS: That's nice. Even when I'm sober?
SAM: Even when you're brilliant. (The two of you kiss.)

- 9 - KISSES IN A BALLOON

Cut out small red tissue lips, and place them inside an opaque balloon filled with helium (any party store could do this for you) Tie the balloon to your love's chair at dinner. Desert is a shower of kisses delivered by a sharp pin.

- 10 - TOLL KISS

Next time you are driving your love somewhere, stop the car before crossing a bridge or going through a tunnel, and say the toll must be paid before you can go any further. Of course, the toll cost in one kiss.

- 11 - MORSE CODE KISS
I
f you know Morse code, great, If not, this is a great way to learn. Find a Morse Code chart. Using long and short kisses, spell out a message to your love and have him or her try to decipher them.

- 12 - KISSING METER KISSES

We have parking meters, so why not kissing meters? Turn a box into your own kissing meter and wear it around your neck. Give your love kissing tokens to start your kissing meter. Have an "expired" sign appear when you need another kiss.

- 13 - AUDIO STIMULATION

Make a cassette of kissing noises and place in your love's cassette player (walkman, car or home) with a note attached.

- 14 - BREAKFAST IN BED KISS

Slip out of bed early and prepare a special "Kissing" breakfast to serve to your love in bed. Pick foods that you can easily pick up and feed to your love. Kiss between bites!

- 15 - STAIRWELL KISS

This kiss is to be done at a party or at a gathering with your love. Steal away to a private location like behind a door or tree, or on the stairwell and passionately kiss each other. The risk of being discovered in the act is the key element.

- 16 - SCUBA KISSING

Wearing a diving mask and fins, simulate swimming underwater. Snorkel across the room to your love and kiss him or her.


- 17 - EYE TEST KISS

Make an eye chart like the ones that you see in a doctor's office where the letters get progressively smaller. Have the chart read, "IF you can read this you are standing close enough to kiss me." Now find your love and give an eye exam.

- 18 - THYMELY KISS

Thyme, according to the Greeks, is the herb which makes one irresistible kissable. Prepare a meal for your love using the herb. Moments after the first bite, rush to your love's lips with a passionate kiss. Come up for air, announce the Greeks were right, then rush back with another passionate kiss.

- 19 - SHOPPING LIST KISSES

Turn your shopping list into a scorecard the next time the two of you go shopping. The one who finds the item gets credit toward one kiss. Kisses are collected either on delivery to the grocery cart, or later at home.

- 20 - BAD HABIT KISS

Offer to stop a bad habit if your love will pay you kisses. For instance, a kiss for each cigarette not smoked, putting the toilet seat down, and/or every phone call kept under three minutes is rewarded with a kiss.

- 21 - CLOUD SHAPE KISS

Take your love to the backyard or out in a field: lie down on a blanket, and together inspect cloud formations. When both of you see the same thing, reward each other with a kiss.

- 22 - CHECK KISS

With your personal check, make a check out to your love for 1,000 kisses. Tell your love he or she can cash it in any time.

- 23 - TOE KISS

Prepare a foot bath for your love at the end of a long day. After the good soak, you towel dry his or her feet, give a massage and seal each toe with a kiss.

- 24 - CHOCOLATE HEART KISSES

Buy several boxes of little chocolate hearts that have sayings on them. Pick out all the "KISS ME" hearts and put them in a heart shaped box with the note "REDEEMABLE ANYTIME, day or night!"

- 25 - RENDEZVOUS KISS

With a note or phone call, tell your love to meet you at a certain place and time (e.g. park bench, street corner, ice cream stand) for a present. When your love arrives, have a bow stick to your lips.

- 26 - BATH KISS

Surprise your love with a kiss while he/she is showering or in the tub. (WARNING: Prepare to get wet)

- 27 - MACHINE GUN KISS

In rapid succession, plant 12 quick ones on your lover's lips.

- 28 - KISS-A-THON

Passionately kiss your love for at least five minute longer than usual.

- 29 - PINK PANTHER KISS

Humming the Pink Panther theme, prowl toward your partner. On the high note, pounce and pucker. Suggestion-wear only pink!

- 30 - THIRST QUENCHER KISS

For no reason, stare at your love's mouth while licking your lips as though dying of thirst. Inevitably, your love will ask what you're doing. ANSWER: I want them! I have to have them! I yearn to drink from them! Then ask for a kiss to quench your thirst!

- 31 - GREAT EXPECTATIONS KISS

Inform your love one morning that he or she will soon receive a fabulous kiss. Later, call you love with a reminder. When next you see your love, pull out the stops and plant a long, hot, passionate kiss.

- 32 - GOODBYE * 2 KISS

Send off your love in the morning with a quick kiss. As your love turns to leave, pull him or her back for a second, more passionate kiss



- 33 - RIDDLE KISS

Ask you love to solve the following riddle:
I am just two and two
I am warm, I am cold,
I am lawful, unlawful
A duty, a fault
I am often sold dear,
Good for nothing when bought;
an extraordinary boon,
and a matter of course,
and yielding with pleasure
When taken by force.
If your love solves it, ask for a demonstration as proof. If he or she cannot show the answer, of course, the answer is a kiss.

- 34 - KISS MANDATE

Command your love to kiss you. Elaborate on the technique you expect (e.g. long and wet, or the way Rhett kissed Scarlett) and where and when you will get it.

- 35 - UNEXPECTED KISS

When the two of you are doing the usual, lean over and give your love a sweet kiss on the cheek for no good reason and whisper...I LOVE YOU!

- 36 - POST OFFICE KISS

Notify your love you have personal mail to deliver. Pull your love into the nearest dark closet; close the door and play POST OFFICE: No instructions included!

- 37 - KNOCK-KNOCK KISS

Stage the following knock-knock joke with your love:
KNOCK KNOCK
Who is there?
Kiss
Kiss who?
Kiss who? Why me, of course!

- 38 - BEGGAR`S KISS

That's right, on your knees with your hands clasped, plead for any kiss you love is humbly willing to give you!

- 39 - TOOTHPASTE KISS

Brush your teeth together. When your love's mouth is all sudsy, plant a big wet one on the lips. WARNING: MAKE SURE TOOTHBRUSHES ARE OUT OF THE WAY!

- 40 - PALM KISS
Holding your love's chin with your palm, smile and deliver a sweet kiss to his or her lips!

- 41 - 30 KISSES
Inform your love that in honor of the 30th of the month, you will kiss him or her 30 times during the day!

- 42 - CAT KISS
Rub against your love's legs while meowing and purring. Now that you have your love's attention, touch noses. Playfully paw your love while moving in for a kiss.

- 43 - EYELID KISS
While kissing your love, watch for his or her eyes to close. Sweetly place a light kiss on each eyelid. Note: Be careful!

- 44 - EAR KISS

Whisper to your love how special he or she is to you, and then seal your message with an ear kiss!

- 45 - VALENTINE KISS

Celebrate Valentine's Day with kisses in the shape of a "V" on the face of your lover.

- 46 - FOOTBALL KISS

After a pass during a football game, kiss your love.

- 47 - SLEEPING BEAUTY KISS

Awaken your love from slumber with a tender kiss on the lips!

- 48 - No-Cal Kiss

After dinner, give your love a no-calorie desert...your lips.

Smile A While....Some More

Smile A While....Some More

Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally, his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.

"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.

"Great," Johnny replied.

"Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother.

"Yes, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, "especially when one of the animals came home at 30-to-1!"


____________ _________ _________

A bishop discovered a tribe of Indians in the Yukon who had never recorded a baptism, confirmation, or marriage. The bishop soon rectified the situation by baptizing and confirming everyone. He also married every beaming couple that walked by.

Later, the tribal chief told the bishop the tribe had never had so much fun. The bishop asked the chief which part they enjoyed the most.

"The marriage service," the chief said, smiling. "We all got new wives!"


____________ _________ _________

Little Tommy had been to a birthday party at a friends house. Knowing his sweet tooth, Tommy's mother looked straight into his eyes and said, "I hope you didn't ask for a second piece of cake."

"No," replied Tommy, "but I asked Mrs. Smith for the recipe so you could make some like it, and she gave me two more pieces without me asking."


____________ _________ _________

While standing watch in the Coast Guard station in Juneau, Alaska, I got a call from the Navy in the nearby city of Adak. They'd lost contact with one of their planes and needed the Coast Guard to send an aircraft to find it.

I asked the man where the Navy aircraft had last been spotted so we would know where to search.

"I can't tell you," the Navy man said. "That's classified."